http://amreekandesi.com/2014/
Open Letter to Bilawal Bhutto
September 21, 2014
By amreekandesi
Dear Bilawal ji,
Pehle to wish
you a very happy birthday. 26! Such a special age. Reminds me too of
the time when i was young and stupid, though maybe not this much. As a
special gift for your happy day, you are trending on social media and
every Indian is talking about you. How’s that for neighborly love? Say
thanks. Where are your manners, yaar?
I heard THAT video
clip with great interest. The one where you said that you will make
sure that you get every inch of Kashmir for Pakistan. Boss, such
determination at this young age is something to be proud of. You should
pat your back for having such clarity of thought when most Indians your
age these days focus on cramming concepts of java and sql to get a job
offer with a grand 50% hike at that Gurgaon MNC. Tells you something
about misplaced priorities.
Going back to the speech. I love the raw josh and enthusiasm with which you spoke the words. ‘lawange lawange…kashmir…poora ka poora kashmir….pakistan da kashmir….lawange.‘
The way you raised your hands, pumped up the vocal cords, and spoke,
like a WWE announcer, except that your voice hasn’t even broken yet,
which made it sound more adorable than terrifying. Add to that your
smashing looks, and boss, if i had been there, i would have kissed your
cheek and pinched those shiny cheeks of yours out of purely
platonic love. You sly fox, you are going to get votes from women for
being cute and from men for this speech.
Boss, Kashmir to nahi mil payega.
I mean you are cute and all that, you may have had an affair with the
pretty lady minister whose handbag is worth more than the rest of
Pakistan, but who said life is fair? You want Kashmir. Yo Yo Honey Singh
wants a Grammy. I want an iPhone 6. Tough luck.
But
we can manage another gift for you. A time machine. Yea baby, you heard
it right. I can help you look into the future and see what life has in
store for you.
There
is a man, 44 years old, fair and lovely like you, youth heart-throb
like you, England educated like you, born of political pedigree like
you, and when he speaks it is the right mix of comedy and sincerity for
his people. I present to you Rahul Gandhi. He is you, in 18 years. He is
your time-machine. Just look at him to see what you are going to
become. You’re welcome.
You
know what all of India is thinking today? That India and Pakistan are
so similar. We have the same cultures. We eat the same roti and butter
chicken. We listen to the same pirated Bollywood music. Our Cricket
teams are equally inconsistent and prone to temptations. Our Hockey
teams had their moments of glory but now mostly suck at the world stage.
Our politicians are a similar bunch of jokers. Our girls on both sides
swoon when Shahrukh Khan opens his arms in his trademark gesture.
We have Rahul. They have you. See. Same to same.
Back
to Kashmir. Come on yaar. Don’t look so sad. Okay we can try one thing.
Why don’t you come on Arnab ji’s News Hour for a panel discussion and
explain why you should get the state over which your country has got its
ass whooped by India four times in the last 60 odd years? Fair deal?
If you can manage to speak ten complete uninterrupted sentences on his show, you can have the state.Bolo chalega?
The only catch is that if you fail, you will watch Arbaaz Khan’s ‘Ma
Tujhe Salaam’ on loop for a month and do the chicken- dance every time
he says ‘doodh maangoge to kheer denge. Kashmir maangoge to cheer denge.’
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