Aviation Humour

Noise Abatement

Author: Anonymous submitted on Mar. 4 2004

On a particularly rough day on the scopes......

ATC: American Twenty-Forty Nine, turn right 30 (degrees) for noise abatement.
Pilot: What kind of noise abatement can you have at Flight level 330 (33000 ft)?
ATC: The sound of two airliners crashing together...
Pilot: Roger, we're turning 30 right.... expediting

------------ ---------

Did you know that the real purpose of an airplane's propeller is to keep the pilot cool? If you don't believe me, just watch him sweat when it stops.

------------ --------- ------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f@#$ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f@#$ing bored, not f@#$ing stupid!"

------------ --------- --------- -----

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit
peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two, behind an eight-engined B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah,"
the fighter pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

------------ --------- -------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger...and
yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

------------ --------- --------- -----

In his book," Sled Driver," SR- 71/ Blackbird pilot Brian Shul

"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day
as Walt (his backseater) and I were screaming across Southern
California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio
transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles

"Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement
across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for readout of its ground speed.
90 knots" Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center
answered. "We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that
day, as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests ground speed readout." "There was a slight pause, then the
response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a
situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission
coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt
and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us? "

There was a longer than normal pause: "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

"No further ground speed inquiries were heard on that frequency"

------------ --------- ------

MiG 25 Pilot (206): AGRA - 206, request FL 600 (60,000 feet).
ATC (with disdain): Ok 206, it's clear. Climb and maintain FL 600, IF YOU CAN.
206: Roger, descending to FL 600.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took
off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What,
exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

------------ --------

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
(Joke best delivered with a good thick accent)
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force.
I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly,
out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
  (At this point, several of the children giggle.)
I looked up, and right above
me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down.
They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
(At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys
start to laugh). The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that
'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"
  "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."
------------ --------- --------- ----
Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...
(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
 SanJose  Tower :  American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able.
If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to
the airport.
------------ --------

A RAF [Royal Air Force] engineering officers joke:

What's the difference between a fighter pilot and his aircraft?

'The plane stops whining when you shut down the engines.'

------------ --------- ------

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. 
'It will be waiting for you at the airport!' he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, 'Let's go! Let's go!' The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
'Fly over the north side of the fire,' said the photographer, 'and make three or four low level passes.' 
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!' said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, 'You mean you're not my flying instructor.'
------------ --------- --

Good Luck Mr. Gorsky

Author: unknown (I know this is written by a comedian, but I don't know who). When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL ) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr.
& Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"